Don’t Pee on Your Sister!

Exhibit A - The barn
Exhibit A – The barn

There are many things we say as a parent that we never expect to say. You can’t plan for them nor do you really want to say them, but nerveless they happen.  These words I uttered this last Wednesday were among them. “Don’t pee on your sister!”

It started Wednesday evening.  When I got off of work I met Missy at a local store so she could take advantage of a pre-Christmas ladies’ night sale. The kids went with me and she got to shop. She deserved the alone time. After a quick swing through McDonald’s (a suitable Dad meal) we headed for home so the kids could do chores. They had bunnies and horses that needed fed. 

When we arrived at home I hauled the 25lbs bag of bunny food to the barn for them. AJ started to get it out of the car, but it was just a little too much for him. Feeding animals for the kids is more about playing then getting the chores done. Yes they whine about it, but for wanting to get it over with they find creative ways of dragging it out. I have showed them how to get chores done in a few minutes, but they choose to do things the long way.  Their preferred method of speeding up chores is to get me to do their chores for them. I explained that they were the ones that wanted the bunnies so they needed to take care of them. I headed back to the car to gather some items I needed to bring to the house.

As I was standing by the open passenger side door I heard a blood curdling scream.  Sometimes it is hard to tell who was screaming, but this time I knew it was definitely Lilly. She doesn’t have any worse scream than this one. I had heard it before. This is the scream of “something is dead” or “someone is hurt”. Never good to hear! This time she is repeating it over and over and over as she runs from the barn to the house.

I run over to where she is half expecting to see blood spiriting from an open artery or a dead bunny in her hands. I am shouting “Lilly” trying to get her attention.  She ignores my attempts to gain her attention and finally stops when I cross her path. “What’s wrong” I ask her.

She responds through hysterical tears “AJ peed on me!!!!”.  I feel slightly guilty to admit that I was relieved. Of all the bad things going through my mind a little urine didn’t seem that bad. You have to understand my kids are farm kids. I would put them against anyone else’s kids for toughness. They have nerves of steal compared to me at their age. They have no problem walking 100’ from the house to the barn in pitch black of the dead of night with the coyotes howling. It just doesn’t bother them. I at their ages didn’t like to go into the basement at night with all the lights on.

Exhibit B - The location of the victim

Exhibit B - The location of the victim

“Is that it? The bunny’s pee on your all the time and that doesn’t bother you,” I comment.

“Dad!!! AJ peed on me!”

I spent the next couple of minutes trying to calm her down. I tried to explain that it wasn’t anything to get that worked up over. I also told her that she needs to keep things in perspective. I know this is a deep conversation for a pre-teen girl, but this is a matter of safety. If you scream like this for everything no one will respond when you really need it. I can remember “The boy who cried wolf” story that my grandmother taught me. This was as good of a time as any to get a good life lesson for both of them.

Still something didn’t seem right. AJ is a sweet boy. As far as brothes and sisters go they get along very well. Not like me and my sister. We would fight like cats and dogs. My kids just bicker like an old married couple not the normal sibling squabbling that I think is normal.  AJ is not the type of brother to pee on his sister. AJ had said he was sorry so I didn’t doubt that he did indeed pee on her, but there had to be more to it.

Lilly and I headed back to the barn so she could finish her chores. Pee or no pee there are still chores that needed to be done. At this point I was asking AJ what had happen. He was sheepishly explaining that it was an accident. That was what I was assuming, but still how did he pee on her? One of the great things about being male on a farm is every stall is your bathroom and when away from the visibility of the road or neighbors everywhere on the property is fare game. With this knowledge I knew he had to be using one of the horse stalls.

“How do you pee on your sister from a horse stall? Did you not aim right?” I ask him. He may be in need of some skills training. You can’t let things like this pass. He could be in a situation later in life where this could be important. Like writing you name in the snow for example.

“Kind of….” he replies.

Now I know something is up. There is more to this story. That fatherly BS instinct has kicked in.

Exhibit C - The scene of the crime

Exhibit C - The scene of the crime

I walked over to the stall that he must have used.  I could see the forensic evidence written on the stall wall.  As you would expect for an 8 year old boy of his height you can see where he started down fairly low. Hmmmmm If it was an accident it wouldn’t have started low.

This is where I must explain to women about male urination. I am sure if you are with a significant male other you have noticed the occasional splatter, splashing or complete missing of said bathroom object by a male. While an occasional alcohol induced night can contribute to the likelihood of miss aiming, there are times when things don’t go as planned. It seems that when factoring in pressure and an anatomy that may have sealed up there is room for surprise directional error. However as a lifelong male the writing on the stall was not of an accident.  There was clearly a starting point low on the wall at 18” and a steady splash track that went over the stall wall at over both their heights at nearly 5’. This was no accident. The jig was up.

“This wasn’t an accident… was it?”

“I didn’t think I would hit her was his reply” Okay we are getting closer to the real story I thought. Still something was still missing.

“So you were aiming her direction then,” I state.

“She said I couldn’t hit her”. Bingo!! Now we are getting somewhere. It was the dare. I knew he wouldn’t have even tried if he thought he could do it, but with a dare he would have tried. I now have a clear picture of what went on.

After I left the barn and walked to the car AJ told his sister that he was going to take a leak and then take care of his bunnies. I can visualize it now Lilly and AJ giggling as AJ is going with Lilly on the other side chiding him that he can’t hit her. Neither of them was thinking it could happen yet AJ gave it an attempt anyway.  I can imagine the surprise on AJ’s face when the stream makes the 3” gap between the top stall board and the hay loft. I can also imagine the surprise on Lilly’s face when the sprinkles first hit her.  This is the point when she started her screaming dash from the barn.

Next I utter the words “Don’t pee on your sister! I shouldn’t have to tell you that! Even if you didn’t think you could hit her.” I was having a hard time keeping a straight face still relieved no one was physically hurt.

 I then say the even more ridiculous phase “And don’t ask your brother to pee on you!” I really have no idea what crazy collection of Dad words I will have to say next.